Kickin it

Saturday

2004-12-18T17:27:00.000-05:00

I haven't been able to do anything with tapering at all. In fact I am at a point where I am wearing socks to bed and considering wearing mittens or gloves too because of the scratching. I am much more stressed than I appear to be. I've increased my dose a quarter mg in the morning and at night and doubled the Lexapro (to 10) but we will see if I need to go up further. I can't get away from the anxiety. It definitely seems to be like an OCD thing now.. even when it hurts like hell, I can't stop scratching.

As soon as we're all moved in where we need to be, this is going to become a primary issue in my life, getting off this stuff. For right now.. I think I need it more than I need to be off it. Opinions might vary, but I don't think I can handle any more stress at all.

Thursday

2004-12-16T16:47:00.000-05:00

The past two days haven't been really good in terms of maintenance. I've sorta come to decide that the crazy clawing and scratching I do at myself is kind of pathological, a manifestation of anxiety. I look pretty bad, tore up. Let's be honest.. I have increased my dose (a little) the past couple days. Starting a new job is a stressful thing. I am sincerely trying to maintain, but the more stressed I get, the more clawing I do, and I end up bleeding everywhere and I look like either someone with AIDS or like some crack fiend. Thankfully, the worst of it is on my stomach, my legs, and my lower back/butt so it's covered by clothes, but all of my clothes are bloody all the time from the scratching.

I don't see how I'm going to be able to get off this stuff anytime soon.

From Penthouse Magazine

2004-12-15T17:46:00.000-05:00

"Klonopin (clonazepam) was invented as an antiseizure muscle relaxant but is more often utilized as an antianxiety, sleep-inducint sedative. It's the strongest benzodiazepine on the market in the United States. Klonopin creates a rapid and debilitating addiction and is known to de-inhibit anger to the point of fistfights and rages."Once addicted, you cannot go cold turkey off of any of these pills without the risk of siezure. "

And no, I don't read Penthouse.. someone sent me that. I won't say I'm maintaining 100%, but for the most part. I haven't even tried tapering anything yet. I really, really, really don't feel ready for it.

Maintaining

2004-12-13T17:58:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm holding steady at 2mg/day. I am waiting to see, though, if anything happens.

Saturday

2004-12-11T13:49:00.000-05:00

I'm all moved in and things are going well. My stress level is lots less than it was and I am actually feeling really well and maintaining at 2mg/d. I am not ready to try and cut it yet, but everything feels pretty positive, amazingly enough.

I do miss going to meetings online.

Just trying to cope

2004-12-10T02:51:00.000-05:00

The past two days have been extremely stressful. I haven't been able to do anything with tapering.. in fact.. I've gone up.. just a wee..on things.. but just because I've been freaking out.. and when things calm down a bit.. I'll be able to be back where I belong, and start going down again.

I am going to be in a position for the next month or so where my online time is extremely limited. This is bad because I have been going to NA meetings online, and I won't be able to do that. The obvious answer would be to go to live real face to face NA meetings.. but I don't think I'm ready for that yet.

"DENIAL!"

Maybe. So?

So I will post when I can, as often as I can, I'm hoping for three times a week minimum, and let you know what's going on.

Uh huh

2004-12-09T04:27:00.000-05:00

I took an extra .5 yesterday because I was really starting to get freaked out about some issues in my life.

So much for working on that taper.

I will try again today.

Wednesday

2004-12-08T14:01:00.000-05:00

I'm trying, people, really I am. Yesterday I cut it to .75/.5/.5... that's a huge cut, and I probably won't feel it for another day or two..
but meanwhile, I've gotten a refill, so I feel a little safer than I did before. At least for now.

And yes, I'm still going to meetings.

Allergy?

2004-12-07T17:19:00.000-05:00

I've decided these pinhead fluid blisters (that itch, and then become open sores that hurt like hell) are a manifestation of an allergy to the Lexapro. I told the doctor. So far I haven't heard back on what the new plan is, whether a different drug or what, but I'm finished taking the Lexapro, and that's that. As far as the rest of everything goes.. I am planning out a taper program that is going to start (I think) immediately.. I got told today that I look like an AIDS victim with all the "lesions" on my legs and stuff (they aren't lesions.. just.. clawmarks), and you know, I just don't want to be walking around looking like some mentally ill person who's ripping themselves up for no good reason.

I have a very good reason to be ripping myself up.

At the very least, I HAVE to get clean, people, I HAVE to. I'm just dreading this withdrawal, like I cannot even explain to you how badly I'm dreading it.. and I am afraid I won't be able to make it. I don't know what else to say about it... it's not like anything I've ever experienced before.

Even with all this, I still don't feel like I'm truly at a "first step" place.. I sort of wish I could be, because then I could get to work honestly on the program. On the other hand, I have my own program I need to be working, that's also been neglected as of late, and that will be launched into action the minute I get myself settled and unpacked. It will be good.. very good..

Tuesday

2004-12-07T11:23:00.000-05:00

I don't really like the idea of being on the Lexapro. I think that I probably won't take it anymore. All I've noticed is that I'm eating more, which is never a good thing.

Besides that nothing's really changed.. I'm clawing myself to shreds. Have I mentioned I seem to be breaking out in very tiny pinhead-sized blisters on my hands? They itch, and then when I scratch them, they open up, leaving me with more little tiny open places on my hands to hurt (and make me look bad).

My legs and ankles are just gross. I'm getting to a point where I am even considering tapering this stuff myself, just to get off it. I don't know if I can do that. I think know enough now to figure a way to be safe about it, but I don't know if I can handle the inevitable withdrawal symptoms. That hostility/anxiety thing is nearly as bad as the itching.

I don't know. I have to get a prescription filled (maybe tomorrow) and then, sometime next week after everything's settled, I can figure everything out. Maybe.

We'll see.

Monday

2004-12-06T16:40:00.000-05:00

If I could just stop itching, if I could just keep myself from scratching, I might be okay. It's almost ridiculous.. I can't sit still, I can't keep in one place, I am constantly squirming and clawing. My hands, arms, feet, ankles.. all covered with open bleeding places where I've scratched myself. My back and thighs are actually bruised from where I've scratched but not broken the skin. Even my butt is clawed open.

From a mental standpoint, I feel pretty good today. I went to a meeting and had a nice "parking-lot" discussion with someone. Also, a friend of mine recommended another program called SMART. I don't know a lot about them but I am going to do some investigation.

Today in the mail I got the NA text and a Day by Day book, which, in retrospect, isn't the one I wanted-I wanted the Just For Today book, which I guess I can get down the road. They're all along the same lines, anyway. If I could just, just sit still long enough to read them.

I'm grateful for the family (husband) support I've gotten. Although I've said that I'm open to rehab if I need it, I don't think it'll be something that we can manage in terms of me getting time off from work, or being able to make payments, etc, if I had to go through some kind of 30 day program. I do need help, there's no doubt about that. Once I'm at all kind of settled, I'm going to need to find a psychiatrist, counsellor, therapist, someone with some kind of experience and some kind of prescribing authority to help me find a way to get off this shit without killing myself or anyone else. I do think I'm going to need some other kind of medication to help me do it, and I'll be happy to go to meetings or whatever. I'm not doing anything illegal, and I'm not impaired.. I just can't bear the thought of this withdrawal. There has to be a better way.

A moment of normalcy

2004-12-05T08:01:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I changed things around a little bit. I decided to go ahead and start with the Lexapro, but I only took 5mg. In the morning, I took .75mg of the klonopin. At lunchtime, I took .5 mg, and in the evening.. I'm a little fuzzy on it, but I think I went ahead and took a whole mg. (Yes, just like one of my friends had warned me, my memory's getting a little woozled. I need to write this stuff down.) I fell asleep for a couple of hours, and woke up at 11PM. It took me a couple of hours to realise it, but I felt good.

Normal.

No itching, no hostility, no nameless anxiety, no pent-up anger. Just normal.. the sweet, normal girl I am, a little funny, quick with the wit. I felt like me.

Now, you and I both are smart enough to know that wasn't the Lexapro. First of all it's only half a therapeutic dose, and second of all, it was only one dose. No. Do the math.

I upped the klonopin by a quarter of a milligram.

All that being said, the only conclusion I can come to is that I was getting tolerant at the lower dose. It's only a quarter of a milligram, but it's still an increase. I suppose if I can keep the rate of increase to a quarter of a milligram every three months, I'll be doing good. But beyond giving me massive relief from the past two days' emotional distress, it does upset me some to realise that this insidious process is at work, and it just makes it that much more important that I figure out a plan to get it handled.

If nothing else, I have to start writing down these dosages, because yes, my memory is slipping just a bit. Thank God I have a daybook and rely on it heavily.

Saturday

2004-12-04T05:06:00.000-05:00

I've been getting irritable and edgy and vaguely, namelessly hostile for no reason again. This is the same thing that happened when I tried to kick last time. The only explanation I can come up with is that I'm getting tolerant of the dose I'm on. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do, but sleeping sixteen hours a day isn't cutting it, either.

I could go with the Lexapro, and see what happens there. Or I could work with the klonopin. I'm not sure.

Something has to be done though. On the other hand, I haven't gotten on the scale, but I must be dropping weight like crazy, because I'm only eating once a day, and even then, not much.

I'll get it all figured out... right now, I'm going to go make a cup of tea, and see what I can do that won't tax my mind too much.

Friday

2004-12-03T13:09:00.000-05:00

Today's not so easy. I'm feeling kind of namelessly hostile, irritated, wanting to isolate myself from people. I recognise this feeling from when I tried to kick cold.. it was really the first symptom I could put my finger on, that something wasn't right with me, that something was changing.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm getting tolerant to the point that withdrawal is going to creep up on me even where I'm at.

The itching is some relieved by oils and lotions, but not completely so... and it definitely correlates to whether I'm about ready for another dose. The whole thing has me vaguely anxious, and I've got three entire months before I have any kind of benefits, where I could go see someone, and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that, whether I'll end up in a clinic somewhere, or what I'm going to do.

I'm going to meetings, but today meetings just aren't cutting it for me, because I feel like I've got all this bottled up anger and hostility in me. I know people have told me a million times that the time you don't wanna go, is the time you need to go most, but when I get like this, I run a real big risk of popping my temper, and hurting someone's feelings, so it's better to sort of hide, and see what's causing this, and if I can't figure out a way to stop it.

I wish I could get myself to a first-step place, but there's too much anger in the way so far. I know the anger is an irrelevant emotion that does nothing but block the recovery process, but it's still there, and I'm just going to let it burn itself out.. ultimately it'll turn into desperation, I think, and maybe then I'll be ready.

Maybe.

Thursday

2004-12-02T13:21:00.000-05:00

So far I'm just coping. I'm trying to keep busy around the house. I find that half a mg 4x a day is better than anything else, and slathering oil all over me is helping with the itching.

Everything will work out. It's just gonna take time.

Wednesday

2004-12-01T07:19:00.000-05:00

While talking with someone yesterday in the "parking lot" after an online NA meeting, they mentioned something about me getting high.

Let me get this very straight and clear. I'm not getting high. I kinda wish I was, to be honest with you. I'm not getting anything out of this. Maybe that makes it easier, I don't know. All I'm doing is keeping myself out of withdrawal. I've been made to understand that benzos take your edge off, that it's an insidious process that takes away your short-term memory, blunts your emotions, and sort of lays a veil over you. That I can see. Might I also add that it sucks for your libido? Anyway, yes, those things I can see, but getting high? No. I'm not stumbling around, slurring my words, or even getting that narcotic rush I came to associate with my old friends percocet and vicodin. This is purely maintenance.. keeping me from falling back into that hell I went through before.

I'm kind of hoping that once I get some of this stress out of the way, if I can get on a really strict routine, in a good environment where everyone's clean and positive, that some of the obsession will leave me, and it'll bring me to the point of wanting to get clean that much quicker. A good support system is crucial, and so is a good environment. This happened with me and alcohol: I learned that until I replaced my environment with one that didn't really support alcohol consumption, and that replaced that desire/recreation/activity with different desires/recreations/activities, it was really hard for me to quit drinking. So maybe the change of environment is going to be good.

In another, related topic, I've kinda stopped eating. I noticed this also when I was stuck on narcotics. I just wasn't hungry, and I'm not hungry now. I eat about once a day or so, but it's mostly just for the sake of eating, and not really because I want to. Not that I'm in any imminent danger of starving to death, because I'm not.

When I read up on the Lexapro side effects, they really turned me off. Besides the inhibition of libido, anorgasmia (do I really need that?), nausea/vomiting/constipation/diarrhea (I love when they list conflicting side effects), a lot of people have reported weight gain. Now right there, there is no way I'm taking this drug. The last thing I need is to gain weight. Besides, am I not taking enough drugs? Why add another to the mix? The idea here is to get off as many of them as I can, and stick to the ones I absolutely have to have-there are a couple. Two are not psych related, but I do take Ritalin, and have for eight years, with, amazingly, no addiction-related problems. I don't get high from Ritalin either-there's a rush, but it's vaguely the same kind of rush you might get from drinking a couple of Mountain Dews back to back.

Which led me to another sort of amusing thought: If I take the Klonopin and the Ritalin together, is this the legal equivalent of a speedball?

OK OK. Maybe this is too serious to make jokes about. But maybe I need to make a joke, and put it all into a little perspective here. It's not REALLY as bad as I make it sometimes sound.. as long as I'm taking my medicine.

Doctor visit

2004-11-30T10:12:00.000-05:00

So I went today to try to talk about this dosage. Lo and behold, today is the day for The Talk. Yes, I know this shit is addictive. Yes, I realise it's going to take me weeks to get off it. Do you realise this is probably the second or third most stressful time in my entire life and I cannot be dealing with withdrawal right now? The plan now is to try to start me on Lexapro.. (I don't think so).. but I did get some scrips and with those I should be all right til I'm moved and can get myself in with a new doctor. I even explained about The Plan: stay on things til July, then gradually go off. No, that's not good enough.

Yes, I'm aggravated. But at least for the moment, things will be all right.

Moving onwards

2004-11-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

I woke up today clawing at my legs. That was depressing to say the least. I always get itching right away if I need to take a dose.. we'll be discussing the dosing tomorrow morning.. though I doubt I'll be discussing all the gory details..

I went to an online NA meeting today.. it was nice.. a nice mindset for recovery. I also did a little checking in on my benefits regarding detox and all that if I should need it.. I'm really hoping I can do this on my own..

The overriding emotion is fear, not anxiety, really.. just fear.. fear of the itching, fear of the withdrawal, terrible fear it will happen again. I can't go through it again... can't. There has to be a way, where I won't go through that, because I just don't think I can handle it again.

I'm angry too.. why do people write prescriptions for these things? Do they not realise what happens? Don't they know what getting off this stuff is like and what it does to someone? And there just isn't a whole lot out there in terms of information on benzodiazapene withdrawal.. I've found some stuff, but still, everything's so focused on opiates, heroin, methadone.. don't get me wrong, those are heavy duty drugs, don't I know people who've gone through it? But this is too.. although.. on the one hand.. I don't feel like an "addict" because I'm not doing anything "wrong".. I'm just stuck in a position where I'm fine, as long as I take this medication.. but all hell breaks loose if I don't. Is that addiction? Is it? Does it make me an addict? Or just.. stuck?

Sunday

2004-11-28T13:02:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to drop my dosage a little bit, and it just doesn't work. I start clawing at myself almost right away. I think I need it upped just a little bit. Just a little. We'll talk about that on Monday. I will call them and get an appointment. I need some scrips for other meds anyway.

I feel better that we talked about it and that things are in the open, and that we have a plan. I'm not nearly as hopeful about the plan as I sounded, though.. really, I'm not.

Baring the soul

2004-11-27T18:54:00.000-05:00

Had a long talk with the Man today.. all about me, us, the stress we're under, the plans for things, my addiction.

My addiction. It kinda feels like saying "my pet rock". Mine. Belongs to me. Or do I belong to it? Not yet..

We decided the same thing... try and maintain for now, and work on it a little later.

Monday I go and see if I can get it adjusted just a little bit. Upwards.

I know. I'm sorry. I can't help it, really.

Friday

2004-11-27T07:38:00.000-05:00

Monday I go talk to the doctor. We have to make some adjustments here. What we've got isn't cutting it.

Thanksgiving Day

2004-11-25T20:32:00.000-05:00

and all I could think about really was whether I'd be able to get my prescription refilled. Thankfully, the drugstore was open.. so I was.. but now.. I move into the next anxiety, which is, how am I going to make it through a month on what I've got? This is the obsession part.. it stays with you every minute.. I felt good when I got the new refill in my hands, but in ten minutes I was worrying how I'd make it through to the next one. I think I'm going to have to talk to the doctor about writing for 60 instead of 40.. what made her do that, anyway? I don't know. This is what it's about. If it's not physical, it's mental.. if it's not an itch on my leg, it's an itch in my mind.. will it be enough? how will I make it? What if I don't? What if she won't write for more? What if I can't find a doctor when I move..? It's always something, the thoughts are never far away... even when physicially I feel okay, satisfied.. mentally, it's still there, eating at me, this worry, this anxiety.. this addiction.

That's what it is. Addiction.

I'm kind of angry about it, really.. I didn't want this, I didn't ask for it, and I didn't do anything to make it happen.. this time I followed all the rules and did like I was told, and look where I am. It wasn't like when I played with the percocet knowing what would happen. This time it wasn't my fault, but here I am, right back in it, waking up thinking of it, going to sleep thinking of it, spending all day thinking of it. Right back in it. It pisses me off. I didn't mean for this to happen.

Does anyone really mean for it to happen? Really?

Thanksgiving Day

2004-11-25T04:40:00.000-05:00

It's 4:40 AM. I'm up, and I'm itching. I have one 1mg tab left of my prescription, and it's due to be picked up today. Is the drugstore even open today? I hope like hell it is. I'm afraid to take this one until I know.

I know I have so many things to be thankful for. Right now I'm thankful I've got that one tab left. That's after four days with none. I'm definitely going to have a problem making ends meet. I'm going to have to talk with the doctor. What did she write for 40 for anyway? She should have written for 60.

If I could just trust that this dosage is going to be enough to keep me from withdrawing. If I could just trust that the pharmacy is going to be open today. I have to wait and see. If not, I'll be banging down their door at 9 tomorrow morning.

I'm just going to have to get this prescription rewritten. Every time I itch, it scares me, now.

Denial

2004-11-24T18:56:00.000-05:00

I don't know if I'm in denial. I'm definitely in a bargaining place. Is this the right time for me to kick? Haven't I got enough stress on me right now without trying to get off these pills? Wasn't the four days of withdrawal the worst f'n thing I've ever done in my life? Won't it come back even with a taper? What if I can't do it? Why even try to put myself through that right now?

I feel in my heart addicted, because I'm scared, scared of that withdrawal, afraid to go without this medication because I know what will happen to me if I try to. Just that fear adds to my stress, and it makes taking the pills every time almost like a bargaining chip: okay, I'll do this, please don't let that withdrawal start again. It's gone from taking pills to take the edge off situational stress to taking pills to keep from withdrawal, and that's the difference, that's what makes me believe I'm addicted. It's not about managing stress anymore, it's about keeping withdrawal at bay.

Part of me wishes I could find a group, a sponsor, people who'd understand. On the other hand, I'm not really ready to quit. If I looked hard enough I could maybe find a NA group, though this isn't narcotics.. there aren't any PA groups or anything like that... if I was really seriously motivated I could do it online, but I think for me online it's too easy to hide.. too easy to say you're clean when you're not. Face to face, someone experienced can look in your eyes and know.

Is it even okay to say, I'm not ready to quit yet? That's the other thing I'm grappling with. Is it okay to say, not now, not yet, let's wait until everything settles down? I think people could really argue on that. I just don't think I can handle one more thing. It's not like hitting a bottom where stuff is affecting work or whatever.. I am still at work every day, unimpaired, my relationships are not suffering, my job is not suffering, my family is not suffering, I am not in jail, I'm not even doing anything illegal. I'm hooked on prescription pills. I'm barely even doing what could be called self-medicating, because I only have so many and I have to get to X date for a refill. I'm not doctor shopping or buying drugs illegally. BUT I'M STILL ADDICTED.

It feels like limbo. It's some sort of weird intermediate place. I know I'm addicted. I do know it. But I'm still in some kind of denial.

From NA, questions to ponder

2004-11-24T08:19:00.000-05:00

1. Do you ever use alone? [Yes] [ No]
2. Have you ever substituted one drug for another, thinking that one particular drug was the problem? [Yes] [ No]
3. Have you ever manipulated or lied to a doctor to obtain prescription drugs? [Yes] [ No]
4. Have you ever stolen drugs or stolen to obtain drugs? [Yes] [ No]
5. Do you regularly use a drug when you wake up or when you go to bed? [Yes] [ No]
6. Have you ever taken one drug to overcome the effects of another? [Yes] [ No]
7. Do you avoid people or places that do not approve of you using drugs? [Yes] [ No]
8. Have you ever used a drug without knowing what it was or what it would do to you? [Yes] [ No]
9. Has your job or school performance ever suffered from the effects of your drug use? [Yes] [ No]
10. Have you ever been arrested as a result of using drugs? [Yes] [ No]
11. Have you ever lied about what or how much you use? [Yes] [ No]
12. Do you put the purchase of drugs ahead of your financial responsibilities? [Yes] [ No]
13. Have you ever tried to stop or control your using? [Yes] [ No]
14. Have you ever been in a jail, hospital or drug rehabilitation centre because of your using? [Yes] [ No]
15. Does using interfere with your sleeping or eating? [Yes] [ No]
16. Does the thought of running out of drugs terrify you? [Yes] [ No]
17. Do you feel it is impossible for you to live without drugs? [Yes] [ No]
18. Do you ever question your own sanity? [Yes] [ No]
19. Is your drug use making life at home unhappy? [Yes] [ No]
20. Have you ever thought you couldn’t fit in or have a good time without drugs? [Yes] [ No]
21. Have you ever felt defensive, guilty or ashamed about your using? [Yes] [ No]
22. Do you think a lot about drugs? [Yes] [ No]
23. Have you had irrational or indefinable fears? [Yes] [ No]
24. Has using affected your sexual relationship? [Yes] [ No]
25. Have you ever taken drugs you didn’t prefer? [Yes] [ No]
26. Have you ever used drugs because of emotional pain or stress? [Yes] [ No]
27. Have you ever overdosed on any drugs? [Yes] [ No]
28. Do you continue to use despite negative consequences? [Yes] [ No]
29. Do you think that you have a drug problem? [Yes] [ No]

“Am I an addict?” This is a question only you can answer. We found that we all answered different numbers of these questions “yes.” The actual number of “yes” responses wasn’t as important as how we felt inside and how addiction had affected our lives.

Some of these questions don’t even mention drugs. This is because addiction is an insidious disease that affects all areas of our lives – even those areas which seem at first to have little to do with drugs. The different drugs we used were not as important as why we used them and what they did to us.

An essay on the serenity prayer

2004-11-22T20:19:00.000-05:00

An essay on the serenity prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference

i learned that prayer almost fifteen years ago when i quit drinking. Now, i'm in a whole new place. This what i've been going through is something unlike i've ever experienced before, something i thought was harmless that turned out to be deadly. It wasn't, and isn't, my fault, that i am in the position i am now. This is a whole new species of animal i'm dealing with, and it does things to me i've never had to deal with before, things i didn't expect, things i wasn't prepared to cope with.So even after being sober fifteen years, a new look at the serenity prayer.It's funny how you get so arrogant after you've been clean a while, and it's not just a little while, it's a long damn time. Fifteen years is just under half my life, when you think about it. You start to think you're superman, and that you can do anything, and that you'll be okay no matter what. And sometimes it takes some major crash to prove to you that you're just not all that.So.. things i can't change. i can't change other people, or the way they think, or what they do. Those things are completely out of my control. i cannot change the way people look at me, nor the things they think about me, nor the way they react to me on any given day. i can't change the weather. Sometimes, i can't change the things that are happening inside me, and i have to just go someplace safe and ride it out until i can get a grip. Sometimes i don't have the self-awareness to jump on that train early enough, and then i end up in a crash again.Courage to change the things i can. It's hard to stare at yourself in the mirror and admit you fucked up. Pride tastes like shit when you have to swallow it. It's hard to say, hey, look, i have a problem. It's harder to move yourself out of established modes of action, reflexes, ways of thinking and approaching situations. To change those things takes courage. It's hard to admit you're wrong. It's hard to say, hey, yeah, my fault, i did it, what i did was the wrong thing. In fact, i'd say those things are so difficult to do that if you don't mean it, you'll never really do it, because as far as i'm concerned, i don't think i'd want to put myself through all that pain and agony if i didn't mean it. So it does take courage, and not just a one time thing, on a daily basis, because just because you point out the problem doesn't mean it goes poof and instantly vanishes. It's something you have to work on every day, daily, deal with constantly, work out strategies and figure out ways to conquer the shit in yourself you need to change. Honesty is hard. It's real easy to pretend to be something or someone you're not. It's hard to say, hey, this is me, this is my shit, this is my problem, these are my faults. It's hardest of all when you look in the mirror, because there's nobody else to blame but yourself. Regardless of extenuating circumstances or drugs or whatever, i still did what i did, didn't i, and i'm still the one who has to own up and say, hey, my fault, my problem, something i have to work on. And if that doesn't take courage, and long-haul courage, then i don't know what does. And i think anyone who's known anyone who's been in my situation might have a clue of what it's like.Wisdom to know the difference: this is the bitch, isn't it? Learning to let go, learning to look at situations honestly rather than being a superman and thinking there's nothing you can't handle, being humble enough to admit when something is out of your control and out of your hands. And beyond that, being willing to let go of the fight to get it back into your hands. That's some difficult, difficult stuff there. I think you have to be in the situation to truly appreciate it, when you feel like your world is falling apart and you have to sit back and say, these are things i cannot control, all i can do is control myself, what i say, what i do, and how i react. Part of fucking up is dealing with the consequences of your fuckup, and that's my personal cup of tea to have to drink. If i have learned anything from my history it's that you can't just lay around and wallow in it, you have to pick yourself up, take a shower, and go on. i can't control how people react, or how they feel.. those things are not for me to handle or really.. even to worry about. Like i said in my first post, in so many words, talk is cheap. Anyone can write a pretty apology. But given a chance i think i can show that i meant what i said. i don't promise perfection: i have been down this road too many times to be unrealistic.

Introduction

2004-11-22T00:43:00.000-05:00

I created this blog because I needed a place to be anonymous and to share what I'm going through. It's actually my second blog, but under a different name.. and there aren't any linkbacks or anything else so I'm going to consider myself safe for the time being.

I'm a mid-thirties, married career woman, very religious, with a problem. I've always had problems of one nature or another throughout my life, but this one is a new twist on an old story.

First, my history: I began drinking and smoking cigarettes at eleven. By nineteen, I was a full-blown alcoholic. Through some divine intervention, I never ended up killing myself, killing anyone else, landing in jail, or spending time in rehab. Thanks to a friend, who died several years ago (of natural causes), I gave up drinking on February 19, 1990. I haven't had a drink since.

But an addictive personality is an addictive personality, right? I finally gave up smoking in 2000, and I gave up meat, eggs, seafood, and caffiene as well. Can you imagine? What could possibly be left?

Prescription medications.

Let's start with the facts. I work in the medical field, as a professional. Have for ten years. In that time, I have never obtained any prescription medication illegally nor have I ever diverted medication. That's the truth. I have never doctor shopped, nor have I bought prescription medications on the street or even online.

So how did I end up with addictions to prescription medications? How did I end up where I am right now?

My first tinkerings with rx meds came after surgeries: the old standbys Percocet and Vicodin. I happily abused my way through the 90 or so they'd give me, and then go through painful withdrawal for a week or ten days afterwards. I know that sometimes people "create" problems so they can get medication. I didn't quite do that, but came close, to get a few more refills. I learned the hard way that each time you kick, it gets harder and harder, and takes more and more time. At least for me, that's true.

I should point out that I've been on Ritalin (methylphenidate) for about nine years now. It's a schedule II controlled substance, on a par according to the FDA with cocaine, morphine, demerol and other high-powered narcotics. I can tell you honestly I have never abused my ritalin. I do vary the dose depending on my situation. I don't take it on days I don't work (this sometimes leads to withdrawal). In all those years I've never once asked for a prescription early. Don't ask me to explain this, because I can't.

Recently, we've launched into some high-level situational stress in our lives. Somewhere, there's a "stressors" scale that rates the amount of stress that different life events put on you. Things like death, divorce, moving, new job, all that. We've got a lot going on with moving, building a home, new jobs, and so on. I developed some intense headaches that lasted over a month. Things like skelaxin and midrin weren't helping, so the doctor prescribed klonopin.

Now, I had always thought of klonopin as an anticonvulsant, not a benzodiazapene, but there it is, schedule IV, right up there with xanax, ativan, and valium. It's actually much more powerful than most of those drugs, with an equivalence (source: Ashton Manual) of 10mg of Valium equalling .5mg of Klonopin. I had no idea. My prescription was for a total of about 2 mg a day, and I pretty much stood by it, unlike how I'd handled the percocet and vicodin, which I had upped practically instantly from the moment I got them.

After I'd been on the Klonopin a couple of months, I decided to get off it. Like I do with my Ritalin, I basically just dropped it: forgot about it. It didn't seem like that big of a deal. I do this routinely with my Ritalin because I don't take it when I'm not working: I'll drop it for two or three days, go through a bit of withdrawal (which for me seems to be some modified narcoleptic type symptoms), and then start it up again. No big deal. I wasn't expecting a big deal here either.

About three days later I began to itch. My legs and feet. In a matter of hours, I was clawing at myself, scratching til I bled, then scratching more. I couldn't sit still. I got one of those nylon scrubbies you use on nonstick pots and was scrubbing at my legs. Hydrocortisone cream just wasn't working. I couldn't figure out what was going on. That's the funny part: I was totally not expecting any of this to happen. Really, I started to think maybe I was in renal failure: everyone knows those renal patients are always itchy. I was getting scared. Another day or so went by. By now, my legs are covered not only in open gashes where I'd scratched them bloody, but also in bruises, from where I'd scratched but hadn't broken the skin. I was getting irritable, isolating myself, feeling distant from everything. I couldn't sit still (that's not entirely unusual though.. I do have ADHD).

This went on for a total of about four days. By day four, my legs were burning as if I had the worst sunburn in the world. My skin was literally crawling on me, something I'd read about a million times but never experienced even though I'd gone through the DTs three times and came off Percocet more than once. I could not keep still for a second, and the itching was unbearable. I laid in bed and cried because I couldn't sleep, couldn't stop clawing, couldn't stop burning, couldn't stop it.

Suddenly a bell went off in my head. Hello! Klonopin withdrawal? I went on the net and there it was: parasthesias and itching. Now I knew what the problem was. I promptly took 2mg of Klonopin and for good measure about 150mg of Trazodone, a combination that I knew would knock my ass out, and I went to sleep. I woke up the next day relatively calm, and able to move, wear clothing, and sit without scratching myself to ribbons.

Now it was all sinking in: that I was physically dependent on Klonopin. Talking with a pharmacist friend of mine I learned that benzodiazapene withdrawal can become a medical emergency, and that the chances of seizure are really high. He said that judging from my symptoms, I had been getting pretty close to the threshold, and had I not gone on and taken it when I did, I'd probably be intubated down in the unit as we spoke. It was pretty scary. I am not new to substance withdrawal, but this is a new animal. I am not abusing this drug, or taking some enormous dosage that is far more than prescribed. For the most part, I've been reading the label. This one, and I mean this, isn't my fault.

So now I'm faced with a set of problems: 1. The only way, apparently, to get off this kind of medication safely, is to taper it off over a period of weeks. 2. I don't have a good dimmer switch: I tend to do all or nothing at all, and I don't know if I'm capable of tapering anything over the course of time that we're talking. Hell, I can't even diet. 3. In honesty, the Klonopin has been effective against the stress and anxiety I'm dealing with. 4. I am absolutely terrified of going through what I went through again. 5. Is now really the time to add the stress of trying to come off this medication to my life? 6. Are there any legal implications to any of this, in terms of my profession? I am not, and I mean this, not doing anything illegal. But could it come back and bite me anyway?

So I have a whole new set of stressors now to add to my already long list. There are no groups around here for me to talk to (I don't much like AA and never have.. it is a fantastic program and I like their literature, but I am not a group person, and have never even had a sponsor), and the online stuff I've found is sketchy and not really what I've been looking for. I decided to come online, anonymously, and write a blog: sort of my own little army of one, if you wish.

I hope that other people find this blog and maybe it grows to become a community. I'd like to find other people who understand this kind of thing. I take responsibility for my past abuse problems and so on, but this one, I swear to you, was not my fault. And honestly, I had no idea it was going to happen. But here I am, and now I have to do something about it. Right now, this blog is about all I can do.

Help me if you can. Please.